Girl in love with rocks

I have hit the ground running!

What have I done that has really brought me joy. What has really floated my boat! What has stopped me in my tracks and made me really think about the story behind a scenario. What mysteries remain unsolved. Where would my skills and passions best be used. Where could I be the most help?

Lancefield……

I love Lancefield! I love the mystery surrounding the swamp. I love the memories I have of digging in this swamp and finding evidence of the Megafauna that once grazed our rugged landscape around 80,000 years ago! The mystery still remains…… what caused this huge deposit of fossils of these giant animals to be located in a concentrated area in Lancefield. Was it a catastrophic environmental event? Was it something else? It’s like a Sherlock Holmes mystery. There is work to be done, Watson!!!

In 2016 we embarked on a digging program to unearth more of these mysteries. Unfortunately, since that time, bags and bags and bags of dirt remain waiting to be sieved, picked, identified and catalogued. It’s been 7 years and I need to remember all the details behind these mysteries, as well as all the geology and paleontology facts and lessons. Some research, lots of reading and practice will be required.

So, having contacted My Long Suffering Mentor out of no where for the last five years (poor woman can never be left alone!) an agreement is starting to be drawn up involving new data sets, old sediment, and a drone! I am rereading scientific papers gathering evidence, theory and opinions, as well as going back over skills long neglected in the effort to sieve every last bit of dirt in order to perhaps fill in the gaps of the megafauna mystery.

With my trusty Triumph motorbike, and the Long Suffering Husband who flew the drone, we embarked on a day trip to Lancefield, Victoria in order to perform a “Lawnmower sweep” of the Lancefield swamp. Since the last time we did this there has been some very extreme weather phenomena in the area, so to be able to compare the footage we took 7 years ago to today’s footage will hopefully reveal some evidence which hopefully could be considered essential in the field of Paleoclimatology. The more data sets we can establish, the more evidence we can authenticate.

Plus it was just a lot of fun and a lovely motorbike ride on a beautiful day! Riding through the hills and valleys of central Victoria, the periodic smells of wild blackberries, eucalyptus and lemon with the intermingled roadkill, made for a very pleasant day broken up with country bakeries, pots of tea and a bonza of an aussie burger at the Lancefield Pub to celebrate Australia Day.

And now the real fun begins! Research and revisiting history as every rock tells a story. We just need to listen closely…..

…it ended abruptly! I won’t say it was easy. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve pushed four babies out of myself! The decision to leave the drilling program in 2018 was sudden and stressful. I quit the job, the university degree and I almost allowed it to change me totally. It only takes a few really awful, horrible people to make you start to question your validity, your knowledge, your passion, your very essence. And it’s unfortunate these very few people seem to deafen you to the really, really great people…..

So without any details, it was awful. But I survived! Then our world was thrown into a pandemic. I would question if anyone has not changed in some way during the last three years. We are all scarred in some way, altered, our view on life constantly threatened and the importance what we hold dear has been questioned. What was once important and vital is put on hold, some dreams never to be looked upon again. But humans are resilient and with a lot of help and support from each other we find a new normal amidst the new year. I am no where close to the same person I was in 2018. But my essence remains.

I revisited my veterinary nursing career and decided for the very last time that I do not belong there. We supported a daughter through VCE in the midst of the pandemic (proud parent moment – she’s now studying Astrophysics at Swinburne University!). We navigated the moving on of our two eldest sons (one moved out to embark on a career in Youth Welfare Work, another achieved his lifelong dream to study Paramedicine), and our youngest son has surprised us by choosing a VCAL path rather than VCE (it suits him so much better!). We all got Covid and survived although my experience was made rather complicated with a small TIA (in layman’s terms a small stroke) resulting in a long recovery and a semi-permanent palsy on the right side of my body. It has allowed me more than enough time to reflect on mistakes, failures but also strengths and lessons learned.

My essence remains…..

I decided to remain The Girl Who Fell In Love With Rocks. I rekindled my passion, granted without a lot of the official titles and requirements. This world is based on passion and it’s relevant necessities will need to be prioritised in order to achieve any goals. But for now my essence remains. I am the Girl Who Fell In love With Rocks. I just needed a reboot so to speak!

I am hugely blessed to be in the position where I can make choices without it affecting anything. I have no one truly dependent on me anymore. Freedom is something I knew eventually would come, it just took me a while to see that the time is now! I have the luxury of time to think about what truly brought me happiness, contentment and passion. And now I begin to navigate the courses of living with these essences of who I am. I still have purpose. I still remain necessary and important. I have a lot to offer. I just need to make sure I utilise these resources in the right way. I may be capable of doing many things but not all these things nurture my essence.

I am The Girl Who Fell In Love With Rocks! And so the adventure continues…..

Gawd I love my job!

So most of my work for this program is in an administration capacity. But from time to time, I annoy the boys enough that they allow me near the geology and I can get my hands dirty! And in this case, my whole self dirty!

Today I learnt to wash the core! The core comes to us straight from the drillers covered in a special substance that can only be described as gooey mud. It’s kind of like a sticky, oily substance – some drillers even use a canola based lubricant – so picture oily, slippery, viscousy slime and then add dirt to it. It has a very distinct smell – a mix of dog vomit, really sweet cow shit and slops. As the core comes out of the drill, it’s covered in this slime to help it come out of the drill barrel. It makes sense from a physics point of view, but it messes with the geology!

So to view what the core really looks like, all this sludge has to be washed away! Apparently no one likes this job as it is slow and tedious. Enter the very keen, mature aged geology student with experience in prepping Megafauna bones and teeth using a paint brush and tooth pick! I was in my absolutest happy place!

So I set myself up with a plastic drinkie cup of dirty water (I have repeatedly told the boys not to drink water out of the shed tap – or even fill the kettle up with it as it is brown with floaty things in it), my paint brush and my water spray device thingy that looks like that gadget you use to spray weed and feed on your garden but just contains water.

Once getting into the rhythm of dab dab with the paintbrush and water, spray spray with the mist of water, bit more dabbing, bit more spraying – and voila! Magic happens! You go from this…….

…….to this!

You can see more lithology, the cracks and fissures where the saprolite has seeped into the rock crevices, beautiful shiny Micas and spectacular ultra-mafic serpentinites. It’s like a magic trick – you think it’s an ugly brown piece of dirt, but underneath it’s totally different! Look at this one for instance……

Oh my LORD! I nearly wet my PANTS!!

So, I’m here again! In Young, NSW. It’s becoming all too familiar. Although it is my MOST favourite time of the year to be in Young. It’s cold, crisp, the land is fresh and beautiful. And I’m loving it…….!

Rather than bore the world with daily updates of me doing the same old things over and over (and also due to the fact I am so busy I can’t think straight!) I have decided to update this particular blog in a fortnightly increment – mainly because I am rostered to be here two weeks on and one week off, so it’s a good way of dividing up information based on those timelines. Plus it makes me feel better about not having to update daily as I am brain dead at night!

So, I’m here again, again! My work for a mining company has brought me to Young to participate in a further drilling program. We are working in similar areas to where I have been in the past so the landscape is familiar. My Long-Suffering Trusty Sidekick, Alfy, and I are set up rather cosily in a comfortable apartment, complete with a visiting cat called George, who I have managed to coax inside from time to time using Felix Party Mix bribery and the promise of undivided attention and scritches! He has made himself comfortable on my bed from time to time but it’s pretty hit and miss with Our George. But then I have a long time to work on that……

I am here for a few months – until the drilling is finished. Around 4000 metres of dirt to drill and it should take until at least the end of August. It’s a fantastic experience for me. This time I am being utilised in more of a Project Management Assistant role, which means I am not arse up in a bulka bag of dirt but I am also not completely away from the Geology that I forget that wonderful Saprolitic smell….

Some job accomplishments in the last few weeks involve the organisation of a port-a-loo (tenderly referred to as “The Shitter”) for the drill site. I only mention this as an accomplishment as the presence of the shitter may impact on my “Free Pee Spot” ratings, as has been done in past blog entries. I know this is a massive disappointment, but we must move on with times. The shitter is now equipped with adequate toilet paper, hand sanitiser, wet wipes, and sufficient water to flush it! The boys don’t use it but, by golly, she’s a lovely set up! No more dead cats hanging from trees in my free pee spots!

Basically the last two weeks has been setting up the core shed in preparation of dealing with 4000+ metres of samples, ordering supplies and equipment for the program, liasing with locals (ie. being OVERLY charming and cheerful!), bossing the boys around and dealing with all the admin that goes along with running a drilling program. The drillers started last week but the progress is slow. In geo speak we are maintaining sporadic core recovery – we get very excited when we hit 100% which has happened! Just to further explain, the core is the cylinder of dirt that comes out of the drill – we log it in many different ways but the common marker is by the metre. The recovery is how much dirt we actually get from that metre interval – the loss is whatever dirt gets, well lost! It’s a beautiful thing to see it all laid out though! A visual display of what lies under us. Each day when the core is delivered I make myself an annoyance by stepping all over the boys’ feet, oohing and aaahing with my handlense stuck to my face trying to get my Geology-fix! The boys’ put up with me though because if they don’t, I won’t buy them the good assorted cream biscuits for the kettle table!

The drillers are also very patient with me. Frog, Sludge and Ryan know I am coming from a mile away with my hot pink hi-vis PPE and the excited squealing noises! At least no one tries to steal my hard hat or my vest though! The rig is huge. The drills cut down into the dirt and suck the core up into the barrel – and with a very precise and expertly handled process, deposits out a lovely looking core of dirt! It doesn’t sound all that exciting but I am in my element here!

I would love to say that I spend all my time looking at this drill bit, but there are other things to do! I have my own little nook set up at the Core Shed with my desk and hot pink stapler! The boys even found me a lovely picture to look at instead of the roller door. The wonderful Dave, so thoughtful to say that he felt I needed a “Happy Place” when I sat facing the roller door. He is so right!

The experience I am receiving being a part of this drilling program is undeniable, but even better are the contacts I am making. The consolidated brain matter of Geology that is represented by my trusty team is invaluable. I am like a sponge soaking up information, asking lots of questions, and loving that the boys are happy to point out interesting markers and interval changes. My Long-Suffering Geo-Mentor, Brian, is especially indulging – happily allowing me to tag along to the field while he chats away about the geology of the entire Lachlan Fold Belt – of which I must type up to include in this blog as it is utterly fascinating and bewitchingly spectacular!

Our days are long – we start at 5am. It’s so cold it would stick a dog to a tree (as my Dear Old Dad would say!). This morning it was -1.1 degrees celsius! It starts to warm up around 11am with the gorgeous winter sun shining (it’s always shining in Young!) and we get a few hours where we can feel our faces. Until about 3pm and you can feel the cold from the hills starting to close in and you are grateful for the thermals and the layers. I think I might treat myself today though to some hot-pink stripey thermal socks as even double socking it isn’t cutting it in negative temperatures!

In closing, I had to include a picture of some of my awesome team! My Long Suffering Trusty Sidekick, Alfy (or at least the back of her head!), the most awesome Phil (whose brain I want to marry!), and of course Blake who knows how I think but patiently puts up with me anyway (he is the most AWESOME teacher!). We are all so cold we couldn’t work out if we were smiling or just using our resting bitch-faces!

More updates to come!

Another road trip to Young – this time for longer than one night, and we left at a more godly hour of 8am which meant LSM was verbal and not grunting. My ever faithful Dad came to meet us to help us attach our latest acquisition – a u-beaut double axle trailer WITH cage – oh yes! She’s beautiful. And I have named her Loretta.

LSM being a little nervous about towing a double axle trailer through Melbourne traffic chose to take us the scenic route to Young, which may have added a few hours to our travel time, but didn’t fail to impress me with it’s gorgeous scenery, all the way through Benalla. Beautiful granite outcrops, and again I had not bought Lucille!

Oh man! I was itching to stop but knowing that we would be leaving the truck and the trailer at Young for the duration of the Drilling Program, we would be catching the train home, so no rock collecting for me this trip!

Having eventually arrived at Young, we began frantically forming lists of all the things that needed to be done before the drillers arrived tomorrow. A few new toys were brought along, one being a snake bite kit which I couldn’t help but have a fiddle with. I mean, I really hope no one does get bitten by a snake, but is it bad that if someone does get bitten that I really hope I am there to try this baby out?

Meeting up with Brian (New Long Suffering Mentor) and Geologist, Blake (who is my new best friend as he likes all the things I like – as we found out chatting over my veggie pasta!), a plan was formulated and then sleep was enjoyed once we checked into our faithful home away from home – The Townhouse Motor Inn, Young, NSW!

I slept like a log!!! An early morning meeting meant an early breakfast and about a 45km trip to one of the most beautiful places in Australia, a place called Thudungra. With the sun rising (and burning my Celtic skin already!) we meet at the letter boxes, a place the locals knew well, which of course, are just a series of letter boxes. Our mission – to look at where the drilling was to take place and to make plans to try and minimise the damage to the property we were drilling on as much as possible.

This beautiful land has been in the landowners family since 1929. I loved hearing the stories of how generations of his family have been born on this land, raised on this land, and has worked this land with respect and love. And you can tell the land benefits from this type of attitude…..

It was just majestic! Beautiful red laterite soils with chunks of volcanic remnants. I spent hours just wandering around paddocks loving the natural history of this place. Just beautiful!

And to top it all off, the landowner had a dog who tolerated me rubbing my face all over his face – even though you could kind of tell he was a little embarrassed by it all!

There were fields and fields of wheat crops that were at the stage where they had been harvested, and were now being left to seed and rest.It was hard going walking through the stalks as they could be quite sharp. You almost had to walk around with you hands in the air!

The red soil was just amazing. The lateritic layering made for textbook sedimentology. Just stunning!

And of course the wheat was amazing too! I spent a happy hour with the landowner talking about the process of growing the wheat and what was involved in the harvesting and resting phase the land was currently going through.

It was pure gold against the red volcanic soil!

This tree I decided would be my free pee tree. I didn’t try it but it’s nice to know that I have it planned!

Pat, our soil expert became very excited when he stuck his gadget into the soil and the readings apparently were very good in the soil world. He said this soil was some of the best he had ever seen. We all became very excited because Pat was excited and he is the soil man so he knows his soil! Pat is such a lovely guy and was very tolerant of my exuberant questions and dark sense of humour.

At the end of the day, LSM mentor took me to Mittagong Hill, a public access area only because it has an actual trig point on it. But even more excitingly, it is an outcrop of volcanic metamorphic rocks. Beautiful granites and stunning metamorphic outcrops. I was stunned when LSM said I could only bring home five rocks. She was grumpy as she hadn’t had coffee since this morning and she’d been through the ringer multiple times during the day. I forgave her and grabbed a sixth rick when she wasn’t looking.

I only wish I had bought Lucille…..

We headed back to the shed. As you can see from my expression, the shed at Young is my happy place. If only I had a few weeks to get in there and clean, itemise and inventory. But alas….it remains a cohesive mess. Strangely enough I know where everything is, but that doesn’t assuage my OCD side!

Being thoroughly dirty, sweaty and stinky, we looked forward to a night in Barnawartha at Hellibos’ to watch the special moon thingy that was happening. Much food, cider and laughter was enjoyed, although I only lasted until the moon was half eclipsed – and by the time the blood moon happened I was snoring. But LSM said it was fantastic so I believe her!

I slept like a log!!! An early morning meeting meant an early breakfast and about a 45km trip to one of the most beautiful places in Australia, a place called Thudungra. With the sun rising (and burning my Celtic skin already!) we meet at the letter boxes, a place the locals knew well, which of course, are just a series of letter boxes. Our mission – to look at where the drilling was to take place and to make plans to try and minimise the damage to the property we were drilling on as much as possible.

This beautiful land has been in the landowners family since 1929. I loved hearing the stories of how generations of his family have been born on this land, raised on this land, and has worked this land with respect and love. And you can tell the land benefits from this type of attitude…..

It was just majestic! Beautiful red laterite soils with chunks of volcanic remnants. I spent hours just wandering around paddocks loving the natural history of this place. Just beautiful!

And to top it all off, the landowner had a dog who tolerated me rubbing my face all over his face – even though you could kind of tell he was a little embarrassed by it all!

There were fields and fields of wheat crops that were at the stage where they had been harvested, and were now being left to seed and rest.It was hard going walking through the stalks as they could be quite sharp. You almost had to walk around with you hands in the air!

The red soil was just amazing. The lateritic layering made for textbook sedimentology. Just stunning!

And of course the wheat was amazing too! I spent a happy hour with the landowner talking about the process of growing the wheat and what was involved in the harvesting and resting phase the land was currently going through.

It was pure gold against the red volcanic soil!

This tree I decided would be my free pee tree. I didn’t try it but it’s nice to know that I have it planned!

Pat, our soil expert became very excited when he stuck his gadget into the soil and the readings apparently were very good in the soil world. He said this soil was some of the best he had ever seen. We all became very excited because Pat was excited and he is the soil man so he knows his soil! Pat is such a lovely guy and was very tolerant of my exuberant questions and dark sense of humour.

At the end of the day, LSM mentor took me to Mittagong Hill, a public access area only because it has an actual trig point on it. But even more excitingly, it is an outcrop of volcanic metamorphic rocks. Beautiful granites and stunning metamorphic outcrops. I was stunned when LSM said I could only bring home five rocks. She was grumpy as she hadn’t had coffee since this morning and she’d been through the ringer multiple times during the day. I forgave her and grabbed a sixth rick when she wasn’t looking.

I only wish I had bought Lucille…..

We headed back to the shed. As you can see from my expression, the shed at Young is my happy place. If only I had a few weeks to get in there and clean, itemise and inventory. But alas….it remains a cohesive mess. Strangely enough I know where everything is, but that doesn’t assuage my OCD side!

Being thoroughly dirty, sweaty and stinky, we looked forward to a night in Barnawartha at Hellibos’ to watch the special moon thingy that was happening. Much food, cider and laughter was enjoyed, although I only lasted until the moon was half eclipsed – and by the time the blood moon happened I was snoring. But LSM said it was fantastic so I believe her!

At 5am, Long Suffering Mentor and I, again begin a road trip to Young, NSW. LSM is NOT a morning person at the best of times, so I expected nothing but grunts and sighs until at least Little River, but she was perkier than normal so we lasted in silence to maybe Leopold. Armed to the teeth with water, thermos, tea and keep cups, we set off on our trek to Young, NSW – again!

This time our purpose for the road trip was to meet with the prospective landholders to talk about a drilling program we are working on in February. It will be a flying visit – a two night stay in our home away from home, The Townhouse Motor Inn in Young. We get free breaky and the people are lovely so I really love this place!

Once again we reached the border and a flying photo as LSM kept shouting that we had to meet someone important at somewhere at 3pm so we needed to hurry. Honestly, I am just here to watch and learn, I have no idea what is going on or what is involved so I’m loving this – just sit back and enjoy the ride. Except for the music. Although I did put my foot down and said absolutely no Patty Smith. NO PATTY SMITH!

I honestly don’t know where the hell we were when we took this one! Honestly, I should know by now but there are so many Oliver’s that we stop at for banana bread and yoghurt that they all just blur into one!

In no time at all we reached Young, and went straight to the shed to meet up with our Head Geologist and Project Manager, Brian.  I immediately loved Brian – he reminds me so much of my Dad but with a pony-tail. He wears happy pants and smokes a vapour which smells so beautifully awesome that I found myself invading his personal space a bit too much in the effort to smell the wonderful vapours coming from his “pipe”. Brian has been in the field for over 40 years working as a Geologist and he really knows his stuff. I stuck to him like glue!

We set off for the magnesite mine to talk with my old mate, Kevin. There were some logistics involved with access points to drill holes and the mine was one way we could use this access. As always, Kevin started teasing me about looking like a hippy (I was wearing my standard safety field wear which happened to include a singlet top (as it is so bloody hot up here you could melt in a moment!) and my hot pink hard hat. I thought I looked great! Anyways, Sanja took off with all her team in tow and left me with Kevin to go check out an anomaly he had found in the mine. I spent the next two hours happily chatting, squealing, pointing and laughing with Kevin, he being thoroughly entertained by my girlish enthusiasm at something that he works every day doing! I took some samples and he showed me some new areas of the mine.

This is magnesite. You can see the white powdery stuff. But there was a strange greenish, blue intrusion through it. I think it’s saprolite and serpentinite but we have taken some samples to send off. Looked cool though and required me scaling up the mine walls which Kevin said would normally be frowned upon but I was enjoying it too much for him to stop me.

Gawd that’s a nice looking piece! But unfortunately I had to bag it for analysis……damn it!

Having thoroughly overstayed my welcome (poor Kevin wanted to close up and go home!) LSM finally remembered to come and get me and we drove back to check in to the Townhouse. I got my own room which I was really chuffed about (usually LSM and I share – I mean we managed a JUCY van for a week you would think we would be ok!) as it was truly luxurious to have my own digs! Having been on the go since 4.00am my back and foot was starting to hate me but I hauled myself to the Commercial hotel for a Parmi with the Geo Team. I met Pat the soil guy (Soil Consultant), James the boar water guy (Hydrogeologist), Brian (my new LSM) and one of the drillers called Russel, who came along to give us an idea of what logistics were involved with the project. I madly took notes and appeared to be proficient until I began nodding over my left-over parmi (still can’t finish it – too bloody big!), so LSM took pity on me and dragged me back to the motel. Thank God. I don’t remember much after that except remembering to put my boots outside as they were covered in magnesite,

Today……was……the …..best…..day……EVER!!!

We had booked the JUCY tour of Milford Sound – being the proud JUCY people we are! Plus the lady at the travel desk said it was an early tour that wouldn’t be crowded and too touristy – so we were in! Bright and early at 8.30am we arrived at the Milford Sound ferry terminal, all set to board a big boat for a tour of Milford Sound.

Now, Milford Sound contrary to popular belief is not really a Sound (in Geology, a Sound is a large sea or ocean inlet larger than a bay, deeper than a bight, and wider than a fjord), but is actually a fjord – just a bloody great big one! Some Ningkompoop named it Milford Sound instead of Milford Fjord – and the name has just stuck. So for now, we will refer to it by it’s known name and just ignore the fact that in strict Geology, it’s not a sound, but a fjord……

Anyways, we began our cruise with the drizzle surrounding us, but not dampening our spirits! Once again I dragged Long-Suffering Mentor onto the top of the boat to enjoy the liquid sunshine that is New Zealand weather, and to loudly gasp and groan at the magnificent scenery. Seriously! This has ruined me for life! Everywhere we looked there were waterfalls, which apparently only show up when it rains – they disappear within 10 minutes of the rain stopping, so really we were very lucky to be on the tour where the rain was intermittently drizzling or pelting sideways!

Some of the waterfalls were enormous – really loud and powerful! The Captain steered the boat right up to one of them and we could feel the spray on our faces! It was amazing!

We started heading out towards the head of the fjord – to the great Tasman Sea. The Captain announced it might get a bit rough as the wind was blowing at around 40 knots. The stupid man said if we wanted to really experience the Tasman weather it would be good to be on the top of the boat – LSM and I just looked at each other and held on for dear life. The force of the wind was so strong it nearly blew me to the end of the boat! The sleet and rain made it so hard we couldn’t even shout at each other, which was probably a good thing as LSM and I were laughing our heads off. We hung on for dear life while the crew took photos of the mad women on top of the boat, giggling and screaming “Wheeeeeeeee”………

It was then I realised we were probably at the wrong position on the boat! I grabbed LSM and dragged her to the bow of the boat, as the Captain announced for everyone to hang on as the sea was rolling and the waves were very large! We wrapped our arms around the poles on the bow of the boat and hung on for dear life as the boat went up…….up……up…….and then dropped with a gut-twisting BANG! down the wave! Again and again the pitch and yaw of the boat going up and down and up and down……and all the time I am leaning over the bow of the boat with my foot wrapped around an emergency buoy yelling “Sanja, put your hands in the air” with my arms flung wide. The Captain was killing himself laughing!

Apologies everyone, as it was about this time that I stopped taking photos – a) because I didn’t have a spare hand from holding on and b) because by this time we were absolutely and throughly soaking wet and I really didn’t want to have to explain to Long-Suffering Husband why my phone was fizzled! But I will endeavour to describe to you the delights of Milford Sound.

Awesome! Haunting! Oppressive! Beautiful! Stunning! Magical!….nah….no words can describe my experience of Milford Sound. I am ruined for life with the landscape I saw and the majesty of the area……

Anyways, still attached to the life buoy on the bow of the boat, we made our way back into Milford Sound passing black seals sunning themselves in the liquid sunshine on rocks that we couldn’t work out how they got up onto (gawd! They are so funny!) and a flotilla of penguins having a bath in the icy waters of the fjord! The Captain, by this time totally entertained with LSM and I jumping around like fleas, manoeuvred the boat under a giant cascading waterfall so that we were directly under it. The water stung as it hit us with such a force we were forced to close our eyes under it’s stinging barrage. The water was icy cold – and the realisation that we were the first to EVER touch this water that had made it’s way from a glacier to falling on us – it was an experience I will never forget. Nor will I forget looking over at my LSM and seeing my absolute rapture reflected in her face. Kindred Spirits indeed…..

We were now thoroughly cold and knowing our cruise was coming to an end we went inside the boat into the relative warmth – me to find a hot drink and Long-Suffering Mentor to go chat up the Captain. By the end of the cruise she knew all about his work life, social life and where he was holidaying next – but she also managed to find out some local insider information on the best places to hike in Milford Sound, which overall was very useful indeed…..

Having arrived at the terminal, the crew all shook our hands and congratulated us on being idiots, all agreeing we were the most adventurous and enthusiastic customers they have had in a long time, one crew member even saying it was the best cruise she’s been on as the Captain seemed to stop at ALL the interesting sites, and not just the general few. I couldn’t help wondering if that had anything to do with the evident crush the Captain had on LSM – but I wasn’t complaining! So after changing into dry clothes in the back of the JUCY van, we cranked the heater up high and started driving toward the Key Summit.

The area we wanted to go to was back through that bloody tunnel. Now, I am not criticising New Zealand for their roads, nor for their conflicting use of confusing signage, but when you pass a sign like this…..

…and then around the corner you have to stop for a single-traffic tunnel that has been cut through a mountain almost a century ago (!!!!!), it kind of leaves you with irritable bowels……

So, we were stopped at the tunnel, waiting for the traffic to clear so we could have our go in the deathtrap, when LSM leaned out her window to find this……

Now, in all fairness, evolution has not been friendly to New Zealand! They have no native mammals other than some tiny bat that no one ever sees, and the majority of their native birdlife consists of flightless birds, mostly really, really dumb birds like the Moa (now extinct because it was so curious it would walk up to a human to be bopped on the head and roasted over a campfire), the Kakapo which is so dumb and big that there are only a handful left on some remote island of the south of New Zealand, and then there is the Kea. This Kea was standing right next to the JUCY van in the middle of the yellow hazard strip, just staring at us. The anticipation was palpable! LSM immediately began gesturing wildly at the creature, imploring it to go away and move off the road or it would be deservedly squashed by some poor, unsuspecting Asian tourist in a MAUI van, who would then think they had single-handedly wiped out the last of New Zealand’s endangered flightless parrots! The Kea just stared at us, and then proceeded to walk to the car waiting behind us, to resume it’s performance of uncomfortably staring at the driver! Stupid bird!

Not waiting to see the fate of the dumb flightless parrot that evolution has not been kind to, we proceeded to take our lives into our own hands by going back through that bloody tunnel!

Watery bowels…….!

Having successfully emerged from the tunnel of doom, we proceeded to our hiking spot – the Key Summit. At this point, I cheerfully dumped Long-Suffering Mentor to enjoy her three hour return hike UPHILL (key summit – der!), while I escaped in the JUCY van to check out a museum that the randy Captain had mentioned.

It was a weird place, like something out of the 1900’s – which was funny because it was actually built in the early 1900’s and served as a camp for those poor shmucks who built the tunnel of doom! There were little huts everywhere and the museum was full of old-fashioned equipment that they apparently used to drill the tunnel through the mountain. Well! Were my fears well and truly allayed!!! Among the old bits of furniture and tools was an intact pelvis of a Moa. At first I thought it must have been a cast but upon closer inspection it was actual bone! I wonder if the university of Otago knows about it!

I decided to get the hell out of this place as it was beginning to feel like the Twilight Zone, but with the JUCY van hurtling down the road, something moved in my peripheral vision and I heard an almighty crack,  and I recall thinking “What the f$%#”…….

I have never seen a tree shatter before, but this bastard just smashed everywhere!

I was alone, in the middle of no where, with no way out……with the JUCY van…….

Absolutely no cell phone coverage, and I was due to pick up LSM in an hour. I had no way of telling her what had happened or where I was. So I did what any mature-aged geology student would do……

…….I began looking at the tree and how it fell trying to ascertain why it fell, where the rot had set in and at what point the weakness of the trunk would have given way to allow the tree to fall at that particular angle……anyway…….

A few minutes (maybe longer) later a young man pulled up, and god bless him, he tried to move the tree off the road by lifting it! Yeah…..nah……so instead of watching this painful display of defeat, I announced I would back track to the Twilight Zone and get some help. Having provided the proof of tree-suicide by showing them a photo (and having the guy announce “yeah……bit to big for my chain saw, Love” (?????) they radioed the Milford Road traffic crew who said they would be at the site immediately to help out. I was thrilled!

Although driving back to the suicide scene, I did ponder as to whether New Zealand time of ‘immediately’ was the same as my version of ‘immediately’, but I was extremely surprised to see this about a half hour later……

An old dude with a long grey pony tail and a beard like Tom Hanks in Castaway, drove up in his bulldozer, flat stick up the road and immediately started to just push the tree off the road! He cleared it in two minutes, and with a slight hand raise and nod, left the scene without so much as a hello or a goodbye!

So, I actually made it back to the Key Summit car park with enough time to make friends with another dumb, flightless parrot Kea. This one was just as dumb and totally unaware of potential threats – including the little turd of a kid who kept throwing sticks at it while his parents took selfies (grrrrr!)…..

I was distracted from wondering how I was going to bury the little turd’s body by Cardio Cathy (Long-Suffering Mentor) bustling up to the JUCY van, full of stories and photos of what she had seen in her 3 hour hike, which she had done in just under two hours because she is a freak! Having thought about our next plan, it seemed silly going back to Milford Sound (and through that fucking tunnel again!) so we decided to head to Te Anau and spend the night there. It was lucky we did, as the weather forecast was for snow along the Milford Road, so we either would have been trapped in Milford (oh no! what would we have done!……) or we would have needed snow chains on the JUCY van. I just had that feeling in my waters……

Nevertheless, we spent an enjoyable night watching some crap chick-flick DVD that LSM had chosen from the JUCY office, all cosy and comfortable!

I even managed to find the camp cat for a cuddle…..

It was f*&^ing cold! I think my face froze off overnight! It was so cold that I had to hover over the dunny seat to stop myself sticking to it! Bloody hell New Zealand can get cold….

Anyways, having warmed my nethers over the gas stove, we set off towards Milford Sound. Along the way were more lakes that went on forever, Highland cows that looked mean and hairy, roadkill hedgehogs that I was itching to stop and get a look at (I’ve never seen a hedgehog before!) and even more clear rivers and streams.

We stopped for lunch at Te Anau, a beautiful little town right on the HUGE Lake Te Anau. At the coffee shop there were alpacas that you could feed for $1. If you rustled the paper bag they would all come ambling over and expect you to give them treaties. One fella got a bit miffed with the look of me and spat – but other than Mr Grumpy-pants they were all rather friendly and enjoyed some attention. I got my animal fix a little….

Something that is somewhat unnerving here in New Zealand is the air raid siren that periodically goes off! When I first heard it I watched to see if any locals were running, but no one seemed too fazed. I braced myself for earthquake but unfortunately that didn’t happen! No tsunami either! It took me a few times to realise that it’s the fire station siren, so whenever a fire is called in the station sounds the siren. Somewhat disappointing but there you go……

After a quick beer for LSM at the local, we boarded our vessel to go see some glow worms! The Te Anau Glowworm cave experience is a must for everyone heading through Te Anau.

This is the before shot on the boat…..

After a scenic cruise of Lake Te Anau (which is bloody enormous!) we successfully navigated a no spew boat trip – mostly because I made Long-Suffering Mentor sit at the top of the boat in the open, in the freezing cold which meant we were both distracted from the up and down motion! No spew! We arrived at the island in the middle of Lake Te Anau.

Only 12,000 years old (very young in geology time!) the caves on the island are still being carved out by the force of the river that flows through them. The result is a twisted network of limestone passages filled with sculpted rock, whirlpools and a roaring underground waterfall!

After a demonstration about glow worms and a quick nature walk, we began our walk through the cave system. The roar of the water was phenomenal and the carved limestone with it’s fossils still in place was just magic. Apparently these caves were lost in legend. Their presence was only hinted at by the ancient Maori names for the area – Te Ana-au – which means “caves with a current of swirling water”. They remained hidden until their rediscovery by explorer Lawson Burrows in 1948 – he fairly must have shit his dacks when he found them!

After going through caves that you had to pretty much bend right over to get through them, we then boarded a small boat (more like a skip!) and was guided through the water in the pitch darkness. Upon looking up there were thousands of glowworms, shining a bright greenish white. You could see the threads of their silky “webs hanging down like glistening beads, and everywhere you looked were clusters of bright dots of light. It was absolutely wonderful! Luckily I had no one sitting behind me in the boat because my head was leaning back so far I would have knocked people out!

A beautiful cruise back to Te Anau, with LSM burping all the way due to the too-quickly-consumed beer, we stopped for some sweet potato fries and use of the wifi (and the flying fox by LSM!) and then headed off toward Milford Sound.

The different types of mountains were absolutely amazing. In one view, you could have forested mountain, and then behind it a tundra mountain, and then behind that a snow-capped mountain. It was like a picture book postcard!

Along the road there were signs warning about avalanches and “No Stop” zones due to the risk of avalanche and rock falls. From every crevice in the mountains around us, waterfalls spouted forth, big ones and little ones, all making their way down the mountainsides. And there was snow! Real snow – powdery snow that was white and glistened in the sunlight.

The road was long and windy and then we came to a stop light……

….and a tunnel……

It was built in 1948 and only fits one car in at a time. It was dripping water and not looking too sturdy. But it cut right through the mountain, so instead of fearing an avalanche I was fearing an avalanche that would bring down the rickety old tunnel too! It was at this point several expletives exploded from my mouth and the demand to know where the f%^$ Long-Suffering Mentor was taking me?!!!

Making it to daylight was a relief…..

The tunnel emerged into the most awesome, biggest, gorgeous gorge I have EVER seen! Massive waterfalls pounded down the sides producing thick sprays of mist. Driving in to Milford Sound a thick forboding cloud covered the sounds almost completely. Hopefully it would clear by morning as we had a cruise booked!

We found our fancy campervan site – the only one in Milford Sound so we kinda had no options – but it did have a laundry and heated towel racks in the bathrooms, so after a healthy dinner of packaged macaroni cheese with vegies through it and the rest of the Stoneleigh Pinot Gris, we had an early night, with Long-Suffering Mentor snoring softly in her cave!